Reluctance, Trust, and The Burden of Knowing

On Reluctance...

Hebrews 12:1-2 says Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin that doth so easily beset us; Looking to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Memorizing this the other day has made me think upon my hesitations. Mainly the hesitation to act upon the knowledge bestowed upon me. Over the years not only have I had the cloud of witnesses that the Word of God is dripping with, but, I've been priveledged to share the company of many fine men and women of God. It became clear when recalling the advice of my dear friend that I was reluctant and defiant. Bolstered with rebellion and sin.

James 4:17 it is written Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

It was told me, that when the moment arose and I was tempted that my reaction or action should be to recite scripture to myself. To use the Word of God as my defence and offence against temptation. I was reluctant and for months and months fell over and over to besetting sins. I didn't have the discipline of a good listener. Thank the Lord for a good memory and His Spirit to recall Godly council to mind.

The worst thing I did in days past was hesitate to quote scripture, and at that, to memorize it, meditate upon it, and surround myself with it. Walking further on down the road of thought, I started to think upon my lack of trust as a direct result of my reluctance to submit.

On Trust...

Proverbs 3:5 , Trust in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not on thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy path.

This was the first verse ever I ever commited to heart. During my first retreat, I saw it written on a laminated sign hanging on the bathroom door. I never thought that I would think of this or others so long after. In the last weeks, my trust has been faltering and I have found myself in question. So structure was found lacking in my life,the lack of trust, lack of faith and an abundance of reluctance.

It is written in James 1:2-8, My brethren count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing waivering. For he that waivereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

These scriptures hit hard. I don't have structure because I hadn't asked in faith for structure. The trying of my faith brought about failure and sin because I hesistated to do the things I knew to do. The burden of knowledge is not so heavy so long as you follow the truth. It's also written the truth shall set you free, and it's true. When I stop, and abide, I find myself starting to see structure in places I thought were utter chaos.

On the Burden of Knowing...

I don't know as much as half the people I know, in fact I don't know much at all. What I do know now, is that when you know the truth you should stick to it. You should always perform the truth you carry in your heart. I did not do this at all. I knew to memorize scripture, to get organized and make plans, to bring my plans before the Lord, and to make intercession and supplication the foremost of priorities outside of baing still and waiting.

I knew the verses that talked about putting on the whole armor of God, spent time with my closest friend repeating it over and over. The problem came when I was reluctant to put it into practice. When I failed to trust the God for help. I was rebelling against His will, and letting the weight of His Word crush me.

In Conclusion...

A few days ago, I was trying to figure out why I had all my ducks lining up, yet I couldn't find the joy and hunger I had 3 weeks prior. I realized my reluctance to trust God, and abide in Him. It was obvious that He had walked me through scriptures in advance. Showing me the words I would need to hear and know, that would get me back to Him.